Customer Service

Cafe Barista: Hi, welcome to Seattle's Best, how may I help you.

Customer: *grunts in response*

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, sir, what did you say?

Customer: Doubletalllatenonfatexrahotnofoam-howmuchisit?

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, can you please say that one more time.

Customer: Maybe you should take that walkie talkie out of your ear so that you could hear me better. God. What do you need it for anyways?

Cafe Barista: To communicate with the rest of the people in the store. Can you please repeat your order.

Customer: God! Can't you see I'm in a hurry!

Cafe Barista: I'm sorry, it's ten in the morning on a Saturday, where do you have to be? Are you the fucking president? CEO of Fortunte 500? Why don't you take a deep breath, calm down, and take the extra 5 seconds to explain your order so that you end up getting what you paid for.

Customer: (Indignant) Excuse me?!

Cafe Barista: What? Do you have hearing problems now?

Customer: I can't believe this! I've never had such bad customer service in my life! How dare you! I'm the customer! I demand to talk to the manager!

Cafe Barista: (Turns around. Turns back around.) Hi

Customer: Is this some kind of joke?

Cafe Barista: Would you like to file a customer complaint?

Customer: Umm...yes...I would like to report that I'm unhappy with my customer service experience today and that I will never shop here again.

Cafe Barista: Alright. I'll file that complaint on this form right now and file it away in file 13.

Customer: What's file 13?

Cafe Barista: The trash.

Customer: (starts shouting) You mother fucker! You're fucked now! My brother in-law is a lawyer and I'm going to sue you, and your boss's boss, and their boss's boss, and all your employees until you're all unemployed, homeless, and bleeding money out of your ear drums. You'll regret this!

Cafe Barista: Sir, if you don't calm down I'm going to call security.

Customer: And then I'll sue you to kingdom come! You'll see. You'll be on the streets, livin' in a bus with a crack addict and begging for my reconciliation money you piece of shit!

Cafe Barista: Alright, I warned you. SECURITY!

(Security comes out and starts beating "customer" with billy clubs and cafe stools. We hear "customer" screaming in agony and begging for mercy)

Cafe Barista: I think you may need to bring out the tasers. This one's a doozy.

Head Security Officer: Good call, bring out the tasers boys.

(Security stats to taze "Customer" and we hear more agonized screaming)

Cafe Barista: Would you boys like something to drink?

Head Security Officer: Oh, I don't know, my doctor said I should try to lay low on the caffeine. It brings up my blood pressure.

("Customer" is still screaming in the background as the rest of the security continues with the beatings)

Cafe Barista: Ah. I understand. How about some tea?

Head Security Officer: Hmm...that sounds good. Got any green tea?

Customer: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!

Cafe Barista: Sure do. And how about a bagel? Cream cheese?

Head Security Officer: Sure. Sounds good. I could use some carbs. Customer "service" sure is draining.

Cafe Barista: You can say that again.